Be My Valentine, Not A Dummy

Some years ago, Edward II penned a deeply moving Valentine letter to Piers Gaveston, using the Valentine Generator. He now writes one to Hugh Despenser.

To my delicious hedgehog,

You are the pearl of my surcoat. I want to smooch with you more than any Castilian in the whole privy.

The first time we roller-bladed, I felt scrumptious in my liver, and I was so anguished that I could barely yodel. I knew that we would prevaricate together for a minute and a half.

Whenever you stampede, it makes me pout awesomely and belch like a sumptuous ruby.

I will fondle with you fluffily until the Tower of London throbs and the parliament reveres.

Magnificent Valentine's Day!
Love, your disgruntled heretic
Edward, king of England, lord of Ireland, prince of Wales, duke of Aquitaine, earl of Chester and count of Ponthieu.

More of the Edward II for Dummies series, from here :-)

Some anagrams of 'Edward of Caernarfon' (from here):

A Cad Narrow Offender

A Facade Nod Err Frown
A New Afforded Rancor
A Canon Forward Freed
A Farce Adorn Frowned

A Dancer Narrowed Off

A Racoon Dwarf Fender

Isabella of France:

A Faecal Snob Lifer
A Facial Noble Serf
A Rascal Noble Fief
A[n] Anal Bile Scoffer
A Fabric Sale Felon

Piers Gaveston:

Grapevines Sot
Envisage Strop
Avengers Posit
Veteran Gossip
Overeats Pings
Vintage Posers
Onstage Vipers
Pensive Groats
Pats Sovereign

Hugh Despenser:

He Spurns Hedge
He Hugs Spender
Her Pens Gushed
Nerds Hug Sheep
Hug Ends Herpes