07 May, 2006

Hugh le Despenser (Jr) does 'Me, Too' (and he's Very Annoyed)

That supremely irritating Frenchwoman, 'Queen' Isabella, has had the nerve to write this, as though I wouldn't see it. She should have realised by now that I know everything and I have my spies everywhere. I'll have to devise a suitable punishment for her. Let's see, what else can I deprive her of?

I am: the de facto King of England. A very successful pirate. The man who kindly agrees to look after unwanted lands, so all those rich widows don't have to worry their pretty little heads about them. My possession is temporary, of course, only for the rest of my life and all my heirs' lives.
I want: power, power, and power. Oh, and lots of lands and money too.
I wish: that bloody Frenchwoman would just go away and leave Edward and me in peace. She promised she'd go on that year-long pilgrimage. She promised.
I hate: thinking that anyone, anywhere, might have more land and money than me.
I miss: do you think a busy, important man like me has time for such sentimental nonsense?
I fear: losing my power. Not that it could ever happen, of course. Who could oppose me? The 'Queen'? She's only concerned with her head-dresses and her illuminated manuscripts. Those sissy bishops? Never. That fool Mortimer? Couldn't organise an orgy in a brothel.
I hear: the sweet sound of all my enemies whining about me. Tough!
I wonder: if Edward's crown fits me? Hmm, why have I not tried it on yet? What an oversight.
I regret: not scheming my way into power earlier. This is fun.
I am not: going to put up with the whining of that annoying Frenchwoman any longer.
I dance: for joy every time Edward gives me more land (more and more often these days).
I sing: at the thought of 'Queen' Isabella's face when Thomas Dunheved comes back from the Pope with the dispensation for her divorce. Hates the word dispensation', does she? She'll hate it even more soon!
I cry: whenever Edward mentions Piers Gaveston. Shouldn't he have forgotten that useless parasite by now? I'm sooooo much better in every way. Still, Edward always gives me something when he makes me jealous. Edward, where are you? I'm jealous. Yup, Denbigh would make me feel much better. I hear the revenues are lovely at this time of year.
I am not always: as ruthless, greedy and nasty as everyone thinks. I gave my sister-in-law Lady de Burgh compensation for taking Gower and Usk from her. How many men would be so magnanimous? And I only imprisoned Elizabeth Comyn for one poxy year. Come on!
I made: Edward promise to never let me go.
I write: lots of letters about Gascony. There's a war going on there, and I'm directing it. (What do you mean, badly? Is there anyone else who could do it better? The king?)
I confuse: those damn Roger Mortimers. There's the one who - come on, just spit it out through clenched teeth - somehow managed to escape to France, and the one who I <shush> had killed in the Tower. They're both an equal threat, hehe.
I need: the Gower peninsula? Usk? Chepstow? Scribe, fetch me a map. Are there any bits of South Wales I don't own yet?
I should: withdraw some of my countless thousands from my Italian bankers. Because you never know. Doesn't hurt to be too careful. Just in case....no, it's too ridiculous. As if.
I start: to be a little concerned about 'Queen' Isabella and the Mortimer. She wouldn't...would she? Could that meekness and obedience only be an act?
I finish: first. Certainly not on a fifty-foot gallows.


ilya said...


Gabriele Campbell said...

Hehe, I started quite a nice quarrel there, it seems. Not that it takes much for Isabella and Hugh to be at each other's throats. :)

Well, as long as Hugh doesn't chop bits and pieces off Germany...

Susan Higginbotham said...

Cheer up, Hugh! You did get a street in Cardiff named after you. (Or was it your son or grandson?)

Kathryn Warner said...

Hugh le Despenser has realised that, by some incredible oversight, he doesn't own ANY of Germany. This situation will be rectified immediately.

Susan: is there a Despenser Street (or similar) in Cardiff? Interesting choice, considering Despenser's execution of Llewelyn Bren there! Maybe it was named after his (grand)son after all.

Susan Higginbotham said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Susan Higginbotham said...

Yup! If you click on the map of Central Cardiff here you'll see it in the Riverside area, right under the happy dragon with the backpack:


I think there's also a Despenser Road in Tewkesbury.

Kathryn Warner said...

Saw it, thanks! Wonder if any of Bren's descendants live there....

Yup, there is a 'Despenser Road' in Tewkesbury! Googled it.

Kathryn Warner said...

But apparently very few people want to live on Despenser Road - it's the ninth least expensive street in Tewkesbury!

Anonymous said...

Edward II & Isabella of Angouleme are my g-grandparents, as is Roger Mortimer. and Hugh de Lusignan, the first fiance of Isabella. Interesting view you have on them, albeit as bit one-sided. So much about them you don't know about. Still, interesting nonetheless.

Kathryn Warner said...

Hi Lady Shirley,
Glad you found the blog. You've confused 2 Queen Isabellas - Isabella of Angouleme was the wife of King John (died 1216), and they were Edward II's great-grandparents. Isabella of Angouleme married Hugh de Lusignan as her second husband and died in the 1240s. Edward II's wife was Isabella of France, daughter of Philip IV, born 1295/6, died 1358.

Edward II and Isabella, and Roger Mortimer, are also the ancestors of many millions of people alive today.

As for being one-sided - yes, I am, and I make no bones about it. There are countless books and websites which are viciously critical of Edward II, and I'm trying to redress the balance.

What is it about them that you think I don't know about? I've read almost every book ever written on them, but if you have more information, I'd love to see it!