22 February, 2010

Edward of Caernarfon Added 'Drinking With Serfs' To His Interests

A joint post by my friend Rachel and me, inspired by Sarah Schmelling's brilliant book Ophelia Joined the Group Maidens Who Don't Float - what would happen if Edward II joined Facebook?

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Edward of Caernarfon joined Facebook.

Edward and Piers Gaveston are now friends. Comment . Like . Add as Friend
Edward and Gilbert de Clare are now friends. Comment ·Like . Add as Friend
Edward and Eleanor Despenser are now friends. Comment . Like . Add as Friend
Edward and Ralph de Monthermer are now friends. Comment . Like . Add as Friend
Edward and Hugh the Elder are now friends. Comment . Like . Add as Friend

83 more similar stories.

Edward of Caernarfon added 'prince of Wales, duke of Aquitaine, earl of Chester and count of Ponthieu' to his Work Info. Comment . Like . Share

Piers Gaveston left a comment: Wow Ned you have so many titles LOL!!!

Edward replied: Shame the old man won't let me give one of them to you!

Edward joined the group Let's see how many people on here are from WALES!

Edward became a fan of Piers Gaveston. Become a Fan

Edward created the group The Piers Gaveston Appreciation Society. Comment ·Like · Join this Group

Edward created the group Piers Gaveston is well sexy and gorgeous. Comment ·Like · Join this Group

Edward created the group Piers Gaveston is the most amazing creature on God's green earth. Comment ·Like · Join this Group

8 more similar stories.

Hugh the Elder sent Edward of Caernarfon a gift of raisins and wine using 'Suck Up to the Future King' Gifts. Send one to your future king today!

Piers Gaveston wrote on Edward's Wall: Miss you, stuck over here in exile. Ponthieu is just, like, sooooo boring. (Thanks for the swans though, they were yummy!) Love always xxxxxooooo Comment ·Like . See Wall-to-Wall

Edward replied: don't worry, we'll get you back over here as soon as the old man kicks the bucket!!! LOL! Love you always xxxxoooooxxxxxxxooooo Oh, btw, have you worn those new jousting outfits I bought you yet? Bet you looked fab xxxx

Piers Gaveston replied: yes I have, and yes I did. *Big grin* Love you always too xxxxxxooooooxxxxxxxooooo

Thomas of Lancaster left a comment: Eeeeeewwwwww, I just threw up a bit in my mouth. Jeez, you two, get a room, will you?

Thomas of Lancaster and Roger Mortimer joined the groups I like doing it with girls and Unequivocally heterosexual men get together to enjoy being unequivocally heterosexual together in an unequivocally heterosexual way. Comment · Like · Join these Groups

Edward can't be bothered to go and help his father chase Robert Bruce all over Scotland and is heading back to London to party.

Edward sent Edward The King two barrels of sturgeon using 'Avert Scary Father's Wrath' Gifts. Send one to your scary father today!

Edward The King replied: what do you think you're playing at, sending me barrels of fish in June? They're stinking the place out. Yeah, great plan, son. When did you say you're arriving in Scotland?

Edward updated his Work Info to 'King of England'.

Edward received a Piers Gaveston Is Back In England Heart at iHeart.
My heart is now beating at 97 beats/minute.

Edward is hosting a coronation and needs some friends to lend a hand! Edward needs help in a good ol' fashioned coronation ceremony to let him offend more French people! He still needs the help of 10 more friend(s)! - via KingdomVille · Comment ·Like · Click here to help

Edward sent Piers Gaveston an Earldom of Cornwall using Extravagant Royal Gifts. Send one to your friends today!

Piers Gaveston likes this.

Guy of Warwick left a comment: WHERE'S THE DISLIKE BUTTON???!!!!

Edward sent Piers Gaveston a Marriage to the King's Niece using Extravagant Royal Gifts. Send one to your friends today!

Edward left a comment: haven't seen Margaret for ages, so hope she's not too much of a minger.

Piers Gaveston: Nah, she's well fit actually. Cheers, Ned, nice one.

Edmund of Arundel, John of Surrey, Humphrey of Hereford and three other friends joined the group Petition to get the Wallingford Jousting Tournament of 1307 replayed.

John of Surrey left a comment: I cannot believe that I was ruled offside in that last round against Gaveston. Ref, are you blind???!!!!

Edmund of Arundel left a comment: did you see that git-face Gaveston diving? How did the hell did he not get a red card?

Humphrey of Hereford left a comment: his team should be demoted from the Premier Jousting League pronto.

Piers Gaveston left a comment: LOL, you bunch of sad losers just can't handle the fact that me and my posse beat you fair and square. Arundel, I so did not dive.

Edmund of Arundel left a comment: Go and troll somewhere else, Gaveston.

Piers Gaveston left a comment: Oooooh, witty comeback, Arundel. I always thought you were a decent enough jouster, but turns out you're actually an incompetent hack. Oops, my bad.

Edmund of Arundel, John of Surrey and Humphrey of Hereford defriended Piers Gaveston.

Edward joined the group Welsh Men Do It Better. Join this Group

Edward joined the group Gascon Men Do It Better. Join this Group

Edward updated his Relationship Status to Married.

Edward and Isabella of France are now friends. Add as Friend
Edward and Philippe King of France are now friends. Add as Friend
Edward and Louis King of Navarre are now friends. Add as Friend
Edward and Philippe de Poitiers are now friends. Add as Friend

9 more similar stories.

Philippe King of France wrote on Edward's Wall: Oy, Ned, have you arrested those Templars yet? Get a bloody move on, will you?

Philippe King of France wrote on Edward's Wall: Received this from my lawyers this morning: "The king of England must send the king of France details of all the land provisions he has made for the king of France's daughter, in triplicate, signed in blood by himself, all his earls, lords and bishops and everyone he has ever met. Failure to comply by the end of this month will result in a declaration of war, a fine of £100,000,000 and seizure of the king of England's first-born."

Philippe King of France wrote on Edward's Wall: We need to find a time to sit down and discuss all the Gascony problems. How does April 1308 suit you? We can always push on into May if a month isn't long enough.

Philippe King of France wrote on Edward's Wall: Are the Templars in prison yet? Answer me as soon as you read this.

Philippe King of France wrote on Edward's Wall: Ned? Are you listening to me? Ned??? NED!!!???!!

Edward of Caernarfon defriended Philippe King of France.

Isabella of France joined the group Does my bum look big in this sideless surcoat?

Isabella of France joined the group Does my crown make me look fat?

2 more similar stories.

Isabella of France is wondering why her new husband doesn't fancy her.

Eleanor Despenser left a comment: ummmm, maybe because you're twelve?

Edward wants to share his Perfect Priceless Ruby Rings with Piers Gaveston!
Edward only has 2 rings available for his Piers Gaveston who acts the fastest!
via KingdomVille · Comment ·Like · Get a Perfect Ring

Thomas of Lancaster joined the group Embittered royal earls close in blood to the throne (but not quite close enough, dammit).

Edward of Caernarfon is hosting a FREE coronation banquet at Westminster today! Edward just seared some juicy Eels and can't wait for everyone to try! · Comment · Like · Get 100 Eels

Marguerite of France, Louis d'Evreux, Charles de Valois and Charles de la Marche joined the group French people huffily opposed to Piers Gaveston. Join this Group

Suggestions: How to wear ostentatious clothes. Piers Gaveston uses this application.

Hugh the Elder, Hugh the Younger and Hugh the Even Younger joined the group I bet we can find 10,000 people on Facebook called Hugh. Join this Group

Roger Mortimer became a fan of Roger Mortimer. Become a Fan

Roger Mortimer invited Edward of Caernarfon and 897 other friends to become a fan of Roger Mortimer.

Piers Gaveston left a comment: LOL, narcissism much, Wodge?

Roger Mortimer left a comment: yeah, cos you're one to talk.

Piers Gaveston left a comment: touché, mon ami. :)

John of Surrey is now friends with Maud Nerford. Add as Friend

John of Surrey defriended Jeanne de Bar.

John of Surrey joined the group Men who've fathered unnecessarily large numbers of illegitimate children. Join this Group

Piers Gaveston added Ireland to the Places I've Been application.

Margaret Gaveston is happy to have her husband to herself for once.

Isabella of France is happy to have her husband to herself for once.

Edward is sulking.

Edward added thatching roofs, digging ditches, drinking with serfs and getting Piers Gaveston back from Ireland to his Interests.

Piers Gaveston: Hi everyone, I'm baaaaaaaack!!!!

Edward likes this.

Guy of Warwick left a comment: WHERE'S THE DISLIKE BUTTON???!!!!

Edward -> the Lords Ordainer: sod the lot of you. Piers and me are off to Scotland and we'll totally defeat Robert Bruce in battle and then you'll be sorry.

Edward: WHERE THE HELL IS ROBERT BRUCE??? How can I defeat the git if he doesn't show up?

Edward is wondering if it's possible for the king of England to sidle back into England without anyone noticing.

Roger Mortimer is movin' on up in KingdomVille! Roger attained the level of Jolly Justiciar of Ireland in KingdomVille!

Gilbert de Clare, Thomas of Lancaster, Humphrey of Hereford and 31 other friends joined the group Let's kick Piers Gaveston out of England once and for all. Join this Group

Piers Gaveston added Brabant to the Places I've Been application.

Edward of Caernarfon wants to defriend his entire kingdom.

Edward has decided that York is where it's at. It has those certain 'no Lords Ordainer anywhere near' and 'far from London' qualities that I find appealing.

Piers Gaveston added York to the Places I've Been application.

Edward, Piers Gaveston, Margaret Gaveston and Eleanor Despenser are now friends with Joan Gaveston.

Edward is hosting a break-out from Tynemouth and needs some friends to lend a hand! Edward needs help in a good ol' fashioned break-out to let him and Piers escape from Thomas of Lancaster! They still need the help of 10 more friend(s)! - via KingdomVille · Comment ·Like · Click here to help

Isabella of France joined the group Does being pregnant make me look fat?

Isabella of France joined the group Does being fat make me look fat?

Piers Gaveston thinks Scarborough is a hole.

Arnaud Caillau left a comment: I know, what's with all the chavs on the seafront? And all the crappy giftshops? And the donkey rides are a right rip-off, innit.

Piers Gaveston left a comment: I meant the castle, bird-brain. Hellooooo, I'm being besieged, remember?? (You're right though, it is chavtastic.)

Piers Gaveston added the dungeons of Warwick Castle and Blacklow Hill to the Places I've Been application.

Piers Gaveston is no longer online.

Isabella of France likes this.

Edward of Caernarfon defriended Thomas of Lancaster, Guy of Warwick, Humphrey of Hereford, Robert Clifford and Henry Percy.

Edward joined the group Vengeance is Mine. Oh yes it is. Just you wait, you bastards. Join this Group

Hugh the Elder wrote on Edward's Wall: most sincerely sorry for your dreadful loss, Sire. You may find, however, that my tall, handsome son Hugh could be of some comfort to you.

Richard Damory wrote on Edward's Wall: most sincerely sorry for your dreadful loss, Sire. You may find, however, that my tall, handsome brother Roger could be of some comfort to you.

Hugh Audley Sr wrote on Edward's Wall: most sincerely sorry for your dreadful loss, Sire. You may find, however, that my tall, handsome son Hugh Jr could be of some comfort to you.

Hugh the Elder, Richard Damory and Hugh Audley Sr joined the group Pimp Daddies. Join this Group

Edward of Caernarfon and Margaret Gaveston joined the group Piers Gaveston's glory will live for ever more. Join this Group

Isabella of France, Hugh the Younger and 42 other friends declined an invitation to join the group Piers Gaveston's glory will live for ever more.

Edward: YAY I'M A DADDY!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Louis King of Navarre, Eleanor Despenser, Aymer de Valence and 67 other friends like this.

Hugh the Elder left a comment: My warmest congratulations, Sire! You have made your subjects proud.

Roger Mortimer left a comment: Hang on a minute, isn't the kid mine? No, wait, of course he can't be. I've been in Ireland for years. OK, as you were.

See all 147 comments.

The mayor of London is holding a FREE street party to celebrate the birth of our future king in London today! The mayor just set up hundreds of pipes of wine and can't wait for everyone to try! · Comment · Like · Get 100 Pipes of Wine

Edward of Caernarfon sent Edward of Windsor an Earldom of Chester using Proud Papa Gifts. Send one to your kids today!

Isabella of France likes this.

Edward and Isabella of France created the group Edward of Windsor is the coolest baby ever.

Edward likes Isabella of France's photo album Edward of Windsor Baby Pics.

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More coming soon! :-)

32 comments:

N. Gemini Sasson said...

There cannot possibly ever be a blog post funnier than this. I have snorted hot coffee all over my keypad, thank you.

Kathryn said...

Thanks, Gemi! Glad you liked it (sorry about your keypad, though...;)

Susan Higginbotham said...

Love it!

Louis X said...

Je suis mort de rire ! (x,x)

Christy K Robinson said...

Awesome!! Brilliant!! If only Facebook had an awards ceremony, you would certainly win a trophy. My faves:

"Thomas of Lancaster and Roger Mortimer joined the groups I like doing it with girls and Unequivocally heterosexual men get together to enjoy being unequivocally heterosexual together in an unequivocally heterosexual way."

Also loved Isabella joining the group Does my crown make me look fat, and Guy of Warwick's grouchy manners.

Allison said...

Delightful! Is it safe to say that you are a little bit addicted to facebook yourself?

Kathryn said...

Thanks, Susan!

Merci, mon cher roi, mais je suis desolée que vous êtes maintenant mort. :)

Christy: thanks, and glad you liked it!

Alison: thanks! Hmmm, I don't think I spend that much time on FB, really - my ideas mostly came from friends' updates that appear on my page, and I think it's the same for Rachel.

Kate Plantagenet said...

That was HILARIOUS. Thanks Rachel and Kathryn - you made my day. My fave of all was that Roger Mortimer joined the group "I love Roger Mortimer" (or something like that) and asked several hundred people to join his group. I laughed so hard I disgraced myself! I appreciate it. Thanks! Too much info .....sorry x x heheheheheh

Kathryn said...

Thanks, Kate! That Roger bit was Rachel's idea (I love it too!) Did you notice that Piers calls Roger 'Wodge' - I nicked that from you, hehe. :-) Don't worry about the TMI, it's funny. :) x

Ashmodai said...

So hilarious, Alienor.
Love it.
Well... "Piers Gaveston is no longer online." is slightly...sad.

Gabriele C. said...

ROFLOL

Though it makes Facebook look even scarier than I thought. I'm not a public persona in that online socialising way. ;)

Louis X said...

Eh bien, j'étais mort, déjà. ;P

Gabriele C. said...

Can you friend-lock posts on FB? Because I doubt Arminius would want Varus to see the posts about that meeting in the Teutoburg Forest. :)

Kathryn said...

Thanks, Ashmodai! I was really sad about that bit too, and wanted to have Ed respond to it, but there was no way of keeping it light-hearted and funny! :(

Louis: :-) :-)

Gabriele: yes, I remember you saying before that you hate Facebook - for sure, it's not for everyone. I'm not sure about friend-locking, but you can alter your privacy settings.

Carla said...

'Piers Gaveston is no longer online'
Awwww. There's something rather sad about that, amongst all the hilarity.

Kathryn said...

Thanks, Carla. I kind of wish I hadn't had to write that bit (might have to contemplate The Ghost Of Piers returning in the next one...;)

CelticLady said...

Too funny!!!!

Kathryn said...

Thanks, CelticLady!

Paul said...

Edward updated his relationship status to "it's complicated".

Kathryn said...

LOL! Edward's relationship: Am married to Isabella but in love with Piers and, oh, have just made a woman pregnant. :-)

Ceirseach said...

Hm. I notice he actually is on facebook now. Clearly Lady D needs to make a Hugh Despenser. -ponders making an Isabella-

Anerje said...

I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT!

Kathryn said...

Ceirseach, that's a great idea!

Anerje: hehe, I thought you'd appreciate the Piers groups. :-) Hope Piers' final entry doesn't make you too sad, though! :(

Brad Verity said...

Hilarious! I had the biggest laugh I've had all week.

Here's a few others that spring to mind:

Joan of Acre created the group Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves.
Comment ·Like · Join this Group.

Elizabeth of Hereford Likes this.

Mary of Amesbury and John of Surrey are now friends.

Mary of Amesbury and Jeanne of Bar are now friends.

Mary of Amesbury joined the group Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves.

Jeanne of Bar Likes this.

Margaret of Brabant and Piers Gaveston are now friends.

Edward of Caernarfon likes this.

Margaret of Brabant joined the group Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves.

John of Brabant left a comment: You've been doing it yourself for years.

Thomas of Brotherton created the group Where's My Earldom?
Comment ·Like · Join this Group.

Marguerite of France Likes this.

Louis of Evreux Likes this.

Edmund of Woodstock joined the group Where's My Earldom?

Edward of Caernarfon left a comment: Why don't you boys ask Cousin Lancaster for one of his?

Hugh the Elder became a fan of the group Where's My Earldom?

Thomas de Monthermer joined Facebook.

Thomas de Monthermer and Ralph de Monthermer are now friends.
Thomas de Monthermer and Elizabeth de Clare are now friends.
Thomas de Monthermer and Margaret de Gaveston are now friends.

Thomas de Monthermer joined the group Where's My Earldom?

Gilbert de Clare left a comment: In your dreams, Half Breed.

Elizabeth de Clare and John de Burgh are now friends.

Elizabeth de Clare and Theobald de Verdun are now friends.

Elizabeth de Clare and Roger Damory are now friends.

Roger Damory joined the group Where's My Earldom?

Bartholomew de Badlesmere Likes this.

Elizabeth de Clare joined the group Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves.

Mary of Amesbury Likes this.

Cheers! ---Brad

Kathryn said...

Thank you for those great additions, Brad! Love them, especially the group Where's My Earldom - will definitely have to filch that one for the next post. :)

Robinbird said...

This is hysterical! Love it!

Kathryn said...

Thank you, Robin!

daniel said...

When The popular comment layout is common, so it is easily recognized scanning to post a comment. If the comment section is in a different format, then I am going to spend more time trying to decipher what everything means.

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Ceirseach said...

You know, if you're going to copy-paste the exact same advertising comment across so many blogs, you might at least try to get capitalisation and format right.

Jayne 57 said...

Hi Kathryn
Brilliant and so funny. This is the first time i have read this. Wish i hadn't been drinking tea though at the same time as reading it as i couldn't stop laughing al the way throughit. Good job i was on my own in the house

Kathryn Warner said...

Hi Jayne, thank you! So glad you liked the post! :) It was such fun to write ;)

Anonymous said...

I'm avoided Facebook and the Twittiocracy because of trolling and the like for the longest time but maybe even an oldster like me should try and get her head around it. I mean if people who have been dead for centuries can do it I should also be able to do it.

Patricia O