04 March, 2010

Edward of Caernarfon changed his Work Info to Puppet King

Here's the second part of the Edward II Joins Facebook series, here's the first part, and for sure you'll also enjoy Susan Higginbotham's brilliant post The Wars of the Roses on Facebook. Thank you to Rachel, Brad and Hannah for their contributions to this one!

As you'll see in the sidebar on the left, Edward II is now on Facebook for real, and is having fun discovering modern technology, making new friends and setting the record straight.

Edward of Caernarfon is off to Scotland with a large army to defeat Robert Bruce calling himself king of Scotland. WOOT! Wish me luck, not that I need it!

Edward has arrived somewhere called Bannockburn, which I can't help thinking has a nice 'defeating Bruce once and for all' ring to it. Am looking forward to taking up my rightful position as overlord of Scotland.

The entire English nobility likes this.

Edward got the error message Oops! Something went wrong. We're working on getting this fixed as soon as we can. You may be able to try conquering Scotland again.

Gilbert de Clare, Giles Argentein, Edmund Mauley and 17 other friends are no longer online.

Edward has suddenly decided to gallop 60 miles to Dunbar really really fast and then take a fishing boat to Berwick, for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Nothing at all to do with 'fleeing' or with the Scottish cavalry following close behind, absolutely nothing at all. What Scottish cavalry?

Elizabeth of Hereford wrote on Edward's Wall: so what happened in Scotland, bro??? Don't keep us all in suspenders!!!! Bet you kicked arse!

Edward replied: Liz, I don't think we should get so caught up in things like 'who beat who'. That, like, doesn't matter at all. It's not the winning that's important, it's the taking part.

Thomas of Lancaster changed his Work Info to Real Ruler of England.

Edward of Caernarfon changed his Work Info to Mere Puppet King.

Isabella of France created the group Loyal wives doing their best to support their husbands despite being really, really, really humiliated.

Elizabeth Bruce, Mary Bruce, Christina Bruce and Marjorie Bruce created the group We're going back to Scotland after all these years in horrid English imprisonment, YAY!!!

Edward of Caernafon wrote on Donald of Mar's Wall: I suppose you'll be heading back to Scotland and your uncle Bruce with the rest of your family and abandoning me, then.

Donald of Mar replied: Er, well, no, actually.

Donald of Mar created the group Scots noblemen prepared to give up their earldom, their lands, their income and their place in the Scottish succession to stay with Edward of Caernarfon, cos even though most people think Edward is the suckiest king this side of the Urals and let's face it, they do have a point, we can't help but love the big lummock. Comment · Like · Join this Group

David of Atholl and Robert of Angus joined this group.

Marguerite and Blanche of Burgundy created the groups We Heart The d'Aulnay Brothers and The Tour de Nesle is the best chilled-out vibey love-nest in Paris! Comment ·Like · Join these Groups

Isabella of France thinks her father ought to know about this.

Marguerite and Blanche of Burgundy added the dungeons of Château Gaillard to the Places We've Been application.

Philippe King of France is still laughing himself sick at Jacques de Molay's prediction that I, the mighty Philippe, would join him before God's tribunal within the year. LOL, those overwrought Templars and their doomy predictions just crack me up.

Philippe King of France has come back from hunting and is just about to...oh, crap.

Louis King of Navarre updated his Work Info to King of France.

Louis King of France updated his Relationship Status to Married to Clemence of Hungary, not that adulterous cow Marguerite. Who is now mysteriously dead at Château Gaillard. Ah, quel dommage. I shall spend whole seconds mourning.

Edward of Caernarfon needs time off from horrid stuff like famine and Thomas of Lancaster to chill out, so is heading to the Fens to go swimming and rowing with a bunch of serfs who are a right laugh. See you all in a month!

Isabella of France thought about hiding her husband's bathing suit, then realised he'll only go swimming in the buff and embarrass her even more.

Isabella of France created the group My husband has no royal dignity whatsoever. Like, seriously, none.

Roger Mortimer created the group Girls! Girls! Girls!

Edward is back! Had loads of fun. Except for nearly drowning that one day, of course. And the endless bloody rain got well annoying.

Edward posted a new photo album, Me Having Fun With Lots Of Peasants And Doing Lots Of Peasant Things.

Isabella of France is gritting her teeth. Oh well, another pregnancy to keep me occupied. At least Edward does his royal duty in one way. (And, despite the humiliation of that swimming trip, he did look good in his bathing suit. Oh man, he looked really good.)

Louis King of France is looking forward to an energetic game of jeu de paume followed by a pitcher of nicely chilled wine.

Louis King of France is no longer online.

Clemence of Hungary invited Edward of Caernarfon, Isabella of France and 37 other friends to become fans of Jean the Posthumous, King of France.

Philippe de Poitiers thinks it's a damn shame that only his baby nephew and his niece who's probably half-d'Aulnay anyway stand between himself and the French throne.

Philippe de Poitiers is now King Philippe V of France.

Edward of Caernarfon has two sons!!!! I ROCK!!! And baby John is so cuuuuuute! I adore him!!!

Adam Fitzroy left a comment: ummmm, helllloooo?? I'm right here!

Edward left a comment: oops, sorry, Ad. I meant three sons, obviously. Was trying not to offend the queen by mentioning my son who isn't also hers.

Isabella of France left a comment: oh, *now* you're trying not to offend me???

Edward has a mystery gift to share with friends! Edward found a Vacancy as Royal Favourite during a treasure hunt! Comment ·Like · Claim the Vacancy

Edward of Caernarfon is now friends with Roger Damory, Hugh Audley Jr and William Montacute.

Edward became a fan of Roger Damory. Comment ·Like · Become a Fan.

Roger Damory wrote on Hugh Audley Jr and William Montacute's Walls: Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh! The king likes me best, so sucks to you.

Hugh Audley Jr and William Montacute defriended Roger Damory.

Roger Damory updated his Work Info to Constable of Knaresborough, Constable of St Briavels and the Forest of Dean, and loads of other well cool and totally responsible positions.

Roger Damory updated his Work Info to King of England's Favourite.

Roger just won big on the Daily Bonus Wheel in SuperPoke! Royal Favourites!
Roger won 500 coins by spinning the Daily Bonus Wheel! Every royal knight gets a chance to spin the wheel by visiting SuperPoke! Royal Favourites!

Edward of Caernarfon suggests that Elizabeth de Burgh friend Roger Damory.

Elizabeth de Burgh says that she is pregnant and recently widowed and cannot possibly friend Roger Damory.

Edward is really going to have to insist.

Elizabeth de Burgh is now friends with Roger Damory.

Edward likes this.

Margaret Gaveston is now friends with Hugh Audley Jr.

Hugh the Younger joined the campaign to put a dislike button on Facebook.

Roger Damory is feeling enormously, immensely, staggeringly RICH.

Roger Damory created the group Oh man, life is GOOOOOOD when you're the king of England's favourite.

Thomas of Lancaster really, really, really hates Roger Damory.

Alice de Lacy left a comment: Tom, hon, you really hate everybody. Even me.

Thomas of Lancaster left a comment: who the hell are you? Oh yeah, my wife. Thanks for the earldoms and all that, and now kindly sod off while I go seduce more wenches.

Roger Mortimer left a comment: LOL, good plan, Tom! You rock! I'm off to do that now myself, seeing as I'm so unequivocally heterosexual and strong and manly and virile and just love doing it with girls.

Thomas of Lancaster left a comment: and you're telling me this because?

Roger Mortimer invited another 1435 friends to become fans of Roger Mortimer. Become a fan

Roger Mortimer created the group Manly manly macho men who are incredibly heterosexual and manly. Join this group

Edward of Caernarfon left a comment: Rog, you don't half bang on all the time about only fancying girls. Sure you're not protesting too much?

Roger Mortimer replied: WTF??? That's complete rubbish. I'm 100% certified heterosexual by modern writers. You just can't get more hetero than me. Everyone who meets me tells that I'm the most heterosexual man they've ever met.

Edward replied: yeah, OK, Rog, whatever. But if you ever need a quiet chat about things, you know where to find me.

Alice de Lacy and Jeanne de Bar joined the group My husband is a cheating toerag. Join this Group

Isabella of France left a comment: it doesn't count if they're straight, ladies. Only women whose husbands prefer men are entitled to bitch and whine about it, like moi. If Uncle Tom and Nephew John like shagging other women, you'll just have to lump it cos hetero adultery is officially romantic and people hundreds of years in the future will write books and articles about how fabulous the opposite-sex adulterous couples of our century are, usually the same people who drone on and on about my marriage being 'a grotesque travesty' and 'unendurable'.

Maud Nerford replied: LOL, so true, Izzy! And any woman who shags a married man is just sooooo empowered, and, like, a total feminist icon.

Isabella of France sent Jeanne de Bar and Alice de Lacy a quiz 'Are you a long-suffering neglected victim of your cheating husband and entitled to sympathy? If he cheats on you with women: no. If he cheats on you with men: yes.'

Alice de Lacy replied: I have to lump it, do I? Wanna bet?

John of Surrey sent an Escape From Horrid Disrespectful Womanising Husband to Alice de Lacy.

Alice de Lacy likes this.

Thomas of Lancaster sent Armed Attacks On His Yorkshire Castles to John of Surrey.

Edward of Caernarfon sent ineffectual Stop That Right Now Or I'll Be Really Quite Cross orders to Thomas of Lancaster.

Edmund of Woodstock created the group Dude, Where's My Earldom? Comment ·Like · Join this Group

Roger Damory, Bartholomew Badlesmere, Hugh the Elder, Hugh the Younger and 6 other friends joined the group Dude, Where's My Earldom?

Edward of Caernarfon left a comment: Why don't you boys ask Cousin Lancaster for one of his?

Edmund of Woodstock left a comment: yeah, but Cornwall's vacant since Gaveston died, innit? Why can't I have that one?

Edward left a comment: because it was Piers' and it's never, ever, ever going to be anyone else's as long as I live, and I'll give you an earldom when I'm good and ready, all right? Stop nagging me.

Edmund of Woodstock is sulking.

Hugh the Younger updated his Work Info to Royal Chamberlain.

Hugh the Elder, Hugh the Even Younger and Eleanor Despenser like this.

Edward of Caernarfon is not happy about his new chamberlain. Hugh Despenser the sodding Younger? Nephew of that murderer the earl of Warwick? Is parliament kidding me??? They know I can't stand him.

Hugh the Younger has a Cunning Plan, to make the king of England fall in love with me and give me loads of lands and make me incredibly rich and let me rule his kingdom, MWHAHAHAHAHA!

Eleanor Despenser left a comment: when you say 'fall in love', you do just mean in a metaphorical sense, don't you?

Hugh the Younger replied: yep, of course, absolutely. Obviously I'd never ever seduce my wife's uncle for power, and I'm not at all crossing my fingers behind my back.

Aymer de Valence, Bartholomew Badlesmere and 29 other friends joined the group 100,000 Strong Against Thomas of Lancaster.

Edward needs more helping hands! Edward found a useless earl of Lancaster struggling to rule England in the king's place. If Edward gets 10 more helping hands in 3 days then everyone who helps gets a place on the king's council. via KingdomWorld · Comment ·Like · Help the useless earl of Lancaster

Berwick-on-Tweed is now Scottish.

Edward of Caernarfon is marching to Berwick-on-Tweed and is TOTALLY going to smash Robert Bruce once and for all and get the town back for England!

Berwick-on-Tweed is still Scottish. Probably even more so than before.

Edward updated his Relationship Status to Ohhhh boy, this is getting insanely complicated.

Mary of Amesbury left a comment: wassup, bro?

Edward replied: well, there's Isabella of course, who I totally love and respect, and there's Roger Damory who I am still in love with, oh yes indeedy, but... I've been looking at Hugh the Younger differently lately. You know how you've known someone most of your life, then one day you realise how gorgeous and sexy they are and wonder why you never saw it before?

Mary of Amesbury replied: well, errrr, no, not really. I'm a nun, remember?

Edward replied: yeah, but didn't you have that thing with Surrey? Our niece's husband?? You know what, let's not go there. I don't even want to know. That's sick.

Mary of Amesbury: ???!!! Remind me, Ned, who Piers Gaveston, Roger Damory and Hugh Despenser are/were married to?

Edward replied: but, but...well, that's completely different, obviously. Absolutely not the same thing at all. And I'm the king, so shut up.

Next part coming soon! :-)


Louis X said...

Huh. Mais oui,quel dommage! Who mourned for so long as seconds? ;)

I shall avert my eyes from the rest that concerns me, so that I may laugh without interruption at the other delightful silliness. :)

Susan Higginbotham said...

Love it, especially all of Roger's friend requests!

Kathryn Warner said...

Thanks, Susan! Louis, my humble apologies for being so tactless as to mention your death, but I couldn't resist. :)

Louis X said...

I forgive you, ma douce dame. It was worth it, if only for the nasty little bit toward Marguerite. "Adulterous cow." I like that. :)

Anerje said...

This has really cheered me up after a miserable day! Thanks! A real tonic:>

Kathryn Warner said...

Louis: hehe, I thought about putting a worse word in your mouth, but decided that one was bad enough. :)

Anerje: thanks! Glad you liked it.

Louis X said...

heh heh Ma chère dame, I can assure you that what was in my mind was far more unspeakably awful than anything that could possibly find its way to my tongue, or be applied to it by others! Sometimes it is a bother to have to be polite, non? ;)

Gabriele Campbell said...

Robert the Bruce left a comment: Hi Ed, how about we both go onto a nice pilgrimage and leave those disgruntled nobles and clan chiefs to killing each other? We could start with a fresh batch upon our return.

Kathryn Warner said...

Mon cher Louis, it certainly is a bother sometimes! Especially for me this week, given the unbelievable amount of crap I've seen about poor Edward II online, which makes me fume and write deeply snarky comebacks that I then have to delete because they're too rude to publish. :)

Gabriele, nice one, thanks! I'd love to write a conversation between Edward and Robert.

Clement Glen said...

Thank you for your kind words Kathryn. I am now steadily recovering.

I love the idea of this, very funny-I wonder if it would be an idea to try and produce something like a Medieval Facebook in schools to get youngsters interested in history?

Kathryn Warner said...

Clement, glad to hear you're getting better! I love the idea of using something like this to get kids interested in history - oddly enough, I disliked history for years at school, but if it had been more focused on people, I'm sure I'd have enjoyed it a lot more.

Gabriele Campbell said...

I have to say Ed is more tech savvy than the rest of the Facebook members. His site is the first one I can visit without having to log in as member.

Kate Plantagenet said...

I know I am a little slow/late to post a comment....

That was hilarious. Laughed out loud at Berwick on Tweed being more Scottish than it was before and "Dude where's my Earldom" group. Too funny.

Thanks all who contributed it was great.

Kathryn Warner said...

Gabriele, sorry if you can't see Ed's page on Facebook (the real one, not this jokey one) - it's a nuisance if you have to be a member just to read it.

Thanks, Kate! Glad you liked it! The 'Where's My Earldom' was Brad's idea, and I added 'Dude'.

Gabriele Campbell said...

Kathryn, I CAN see it. That's what I meant, it's the only Facebook page I can see and I wonder what the others do wrong.

Kathryn Warner said...

Oh, I see, Gabriele - sorry, I misunderstood. That's weird that you can see Ed's page and not others - maybe other pages have higher privacy settings?

Brian Wainwright said...

Excellent stuff! LOL'd myself half to death.

Kathryn Warner said...

Thanks, Brian! Really glad you liked it.