01 October, 2010

Really Bad Poetry

I was inspired by Susan Higginbotham and other talented people on the History Police page to write some really, really awful Edward II poetry...

The Sad Story of Ned and Perrot

There once was a king who adored his Piers,
Which forbidden love brought his realm to tears.
The devoted king, Edward by name,
Criticised by all, yet who felt no shame,
Bestowed many gifts on his handsome knight
And for his sake turned all the land to blight.
"Piers, my love, how I do adore thee!
I order you that you must never forsake me.
My goods are thine, my kingdom is thine,
Ignore the nay-sayers and we’ll do just fine.
Stay away from Lords Lancaster and Warwick,
Especially the latter, who is really quite horrid."
Piers failed to heed this most sage warning,
And at Deddington Priory one cruel morning
Fell into the hands of the Black Dog of Arden,
Who had no intention of offering him a pardon.
After a spell in the dungeons, Piers lost his head;
The love of a king couldn’t prevent him being dead.
"Oh, Piers," sobbed Edward, "I shall never forget you,"
And threw himself into the arms of his new lover, Hugh.

The Beauteous Bride

King Philip exclaimed "You shall marry my Isabella,
She’s a high-born lady and as such, deserves a fella
Of royal birth and blood, and one who can see
And appreciate the awesome beauty she got from me."
Edward was looking forward to meeting his bride,
But when he first saw her he wanted to run and hide;
The desirable young woman to expect he had been led
Had buck teeth and bad skin, and was very overfed.
"What’s this!" he yelled. "The 'loveliest woman in France'
Is an unattractive gargoyle I wouldn't take to a barn dance!"
"Fooled you," chuckled Philip, "and don’t bother to cry
Over the chroniclers' false descriptions; I pay them to lie."

Death of a King

Near Carlisle in July, Longshanks was dying at last
Which to his subjects, especially in Wales, couldn't come fast
Enough. The king raised himself painfully and to his advisers said
"Tell my son these things from me, as soon I shall be dead.
He must not recall Gaveston, that cheeky Gascon swine,
Their lovey-dovey behaviour is well out of line.
He shall not bury me, but my bones shall boil
And take them at the head of his army to aid their toil.
Scotland he must conquer, and that traitor Robert Bruce
Must find himself hanging at the end of a noose."
With that, the old king sighed and gave up the ghost.
No longer would he of his uncommon height boast.
His son the new King Edward was decidedly glad
That he no longer had to listen to the orders of his dad.
He recalled his Piers, of whom we have already spoken,
And his father's command re: Scotland was also broken.
Because, truth be told, Edward couldn't care less
About anything but Piers; and thus his reign was a mess.


Susan Higginbotham said...

Love them! Especially the Isabella one.

Kathryn Warner said...

Thanks, Susan!

Anerje said...

Oh, I love them! Really enjoyed them - especially the one about Piers! (you knew I'd say that!). And yes, the one about Isa is very funny! I find rhyming hard to do, but have done some Piers haikus. I may be brave and post them - but they are no-where near as good as yours.

Anerje said...

It's just struck me - you would have made an excellent chronicler in Edward's reign! :> You could have done it in rhyme as well!

Clement Glen said...

Kathryn's a poet,
and we didn't even know it!

Carla said...

This is right up there with William McGonagall :-)

Ragged Staff said...

Very nice work, Kathryn.

Kathryn Warner said...

Thank you, Anerje, and I'd love to see your Piers haikus! And yes, I think I missed my calling as a 14C chronicler there!

Great work, Clement! :)

Carla, yay - William McGonagall was one of my inspirations! :-)

Thanks, Ragged Staff!

Kathryn Warner said...

For anyone not familiar with McGonagall, here's his most famous (and awful) work: http://www.mcgonagall-online.org.uk/poems/pgdisaster.htm

Gabriele Campbell said...

Lol, those are fine examples of the German saying: reim dich, oder ich fress' dich (you're gonna rhyme, or I'm gonna eat you). :)

Ann Marie said...

It's not really bad at all. I thought it was rather clever. So you're a poet as well as a historian!

Kathryn Warner said...

Gabriele, I love that rhyme! :-)

Ann, thank you for the kind words!

Edward Sumarokov said...

"Oh, Piers," sobbed Edward, "I shall never forget you,"
And threw himself into the arms of his new lover, Hugh.

It sounds ironic . Strange.

"The Beauteous Bride"

You are so cruel)

It's not awful but if to be honest i think that this pair deserve really beautiful poems. i read some amateur poems dedicated to Piers and Edward. These poems written by Russian authors disappointed me. Your poems far more better than their poetic efforts. I will try to write something about it - Your blog inspires me